kasiopeia (kasiopeia) wrote in scrik,

A gentle word, like summer rain (The Lizzie Bennet Diaries)

A gentle word, like summer rain
The Lizzie Bennet Diaries | Lizzie Bennet & Lydia Bennet, undertones of Lizzie/Darcy | 1118 words | PG
Lizzie is back home again, suitcase unpacked and video blogs made (she doesn't talk about Darcy). Lydia is also back (nobody talks about Vegas), and the house is packed with strained silences and it lacks something Lizzie didn't know it had in the first place.
Written after episode 76/before Lydia's 22 (Surprise).

Lizzie is back home again, suitcase unpacked and video blogs made (she doesn't talk about Darcy). Lydia is also back (nobody talks about Vegas), and the house is packed with strained silences and it lacks something Lizzie didn't know it had in the first place.

Her father has retreated back into his study, her mother is at Aunt Phyllis's or on the couch complaining about her nerves. And Lydia, Lydia spends her time in her bedroom, only coming out for meals. The silence is uncertain and cautious; they are all learning new steps. The pauses between their words are full of things unsaid, and no one says what they mean (but then they don't say what they don't mean, either).

The silence stretches on until she can't take it anymore; anger, guilt, sadness and longing snapping all at once.

She goes into Lydia's bedroom without knocking. Lydia is laying on the bed and doesn't look at her. The old Lydia would have yelled, talked about knocking and said something silly and slightly mean about her hair (she didn't think she'd miss that). She closes the door softly after her, wanting whatever this is to be private and lays down next to Lydia on the bed. Lydia moves over, but she still doesn't look at her.

Lizzie loves words, but now she doesn't know which she wants to use. Sometimes it's the things unspoken that have the most impact, words not said that hurt the most. So she says the first words that comes to mind, and once they are out she knows that they are the ones she's been searching for ever since Christmas:

"I love you."

Her voice is soft in the room and before she gets to wonder what to say next, Lydia has rolled over and is pressing her face into her neck like this is all she has been waiting for. Lizzie can feel her tears on her skin and she wishes she had uttered those words before.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Lydia's voice catches a bit and her words are barely audible, but they vibrate against Lizzie's skin. And Lizzie knows them like they are her own, because they are her own in a way. She rubs Lydia's back, rests her chin on top of Lydia's head, and says the words back.

They fall asleep, tangled together on Lydia's bed like they are kids again.

Things get easier after that, but then again they don't. Because Lydia has always been good at observing, and she knows that not everything is alright. Lizzie can hear from her silences that she is afraid to ask, that she doesn't want to break this peace between them. It's not until she catches Lydia's eye one day that she realizes that Lydia is afraid it's her fault Lizzie is sad, and she knows that they have something else they can't leave unsaid.

"I'm alright, you know." Lizzie says, and it's a lie.

"No, you're not."

"But I will be."

"Is it my fault?"

"No, it's all mine." And that's not a lie at all.

And that's enough for now. Lydia gives her a hug, and they move on.

Sometimes Lizzie thinks that all the days of her life have been about that man in his bowtie. It's not true, of course; it's less than true. It's pathetic even, but it's not a lie either. She tries not to think of him, but she fills life's silences with his surprisingly sweet smile, the way his eyes glimmer in unshared joy when he thinks she isn't looking, and about the way his large hand feels resting in the small of her back.

Life is a balancing act, and lately she feels like she's always on the brink of falling. Lizzie thinks that New Jane might be right. No, that's a lie, New Jane is definitively right. It is time for her to make a change. She sits down and she makes a list, of where she wants to end up and what she wants to do on the way there. It ends up being less of a to-do list and more of a road map of her life. It might change, but she thinks a plan will make her less afraid to try something new.

(Only one item on the list is about Darcy: Get over him, it's never going to happen and you might as well realize that now!)

"So?" Lydia is sitting on the kitchen counter, her head tipped sideways, and she has that special Lydia glint in her eyes. Lizzie thinks that maybe she should be afraid, but she finds she's mostly just glad it's back. She's making cookies, chocolate chip cookies, because Jane is coming home soon and that makes this a chocolate chips kind of day. They've always made snicker doodles when one of them has been away, but she thinks that Jane will appreciate the cookies more.

She doesn't say any of that, she simply asks "What?"

"Are you going to tell me what you are all mopey and sad about?"

Lizzie doesn't answer, focusing on the task at hand. Words have gotten easier again, but not easy enough for this.

"Because I have a theory," Lydia says, swinging her legs. Lizzie makes a noncommittal sound and doesn't look at her. "I think you are sad about Darcy. I think something happened while you were doing your boring thing at his place."

Lizzie stills, frozen in place. Words elude her again, and she doesn't like it. She suddenly wants to tell Lydia everything, but she doesn't know how. Luckily for her Lydia doesn't wait for her answer. She cuts right to the heart of it with one question with all the right words in it.

"Do you like him?"

Lizzie looks up at her sister then, and tries to put everything she wants to say in her eyes.

"Maybe." she says and her voice quivers. But that maybe is a lie, because what it means is that she think she's in love with him, like the romantic everlasting love that she didn't think existed. It also holds the way her heart breaks a little every time she thinks about how much she fucked up.

Lydia slips down from the counter and embraces her and they just stand there, each holding on to something precious. Lizzie feels another set of arms slipping around them both; Jane is home. And she knows they are all right where they belong. And maybe sisters isn't something she'd wish on anyone, but she sure wouldn't want to be without the safety net they provide.

Because with her sisters on her side; she can do anything she wants to.
Tags: author: tale, fandom: the lizzie bennet diaries, pairing: lizzie bennet/william darcy, rating: pg, type: stand alone
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